Archive for the Sucked at Life Category

Aeon Flux

Posted in Sucked at Life on May 10, 2011 by moviesaccordingtodes

Release Date: December 2nd 2005

Plot Outline: Aeon Flux is an assassin working with a group that is trying to overthrow their government.

So Aeon Flux (to me) was an epic fail of a movie. It was ridiculously cheesy. You can see the type of movie it was trying to be and you can see how and why it failed miserably.

So as far as I understood, there was some illness that wiped out the population. Everyone that survived was quarantined in this makeshift society. So as I understood it, these were just humans…so why did Aeon Flux appear to be super human? I didn’t understand why or how. I feel like she was supposed to be highly trained in martial arts and things of that nature but that the effects were done so badly that it came off as superhuman instead of an acquired skill.

Speaking of effects, the fight scenes were shown badly. They were quick shots and not focused well so I couldn’t really see any of the action. And besides that everything looked so fake! What kind of special effects were these???

The entire movie came off like a spoof.

So a major aspect of this film that was bothering me so much and just getting under my skin was that it was SO over dramatic.

The one and only part that I appreciated was cool because they show what was happening inside the body like when she took a pill. Showed it travel and dissolve in an x-ray type thing. Yep, that was the one scene I liked.

I felt as though the first mission was so easy. I could have done that myself! lol For realssss

I was bothered at the attempt of a successful movie by way of sex appeal. The women in the movie all spoke deeply, sexually, and dramatically.

And the outfits. Ohhhh the outfits. Aeon Flux’s pajamas were a strip of fabric over her boobs just covering her nipples and a pair of underwear.

Her mission outfit: Tight black leather, open chest, and of course with her hair in her face all dramatic and sexy.

It might just be me but that’s not an outfit I’d wear on a mission where I almost die. And my hair most definitely would not be in my face.

Just to top it all off, the acting sooooooooooooooooooooo bad!

Can you tell I hated this movie?

It reminded me a lot of resident evil. But I liked Resident Evil.

Piranha

Posted in Sucked at Life on September 17, 2010 by moviesaccordingtodes

Release Date: August 20th 2010

Plot Outline: Prehistoric Piranha are freed from under the ocean floor during spring break.

I LOVED Piranha, but not because it was a great, well-made, jaws-like film.

I loved Piranha because of its stupidity and for the pure satisfaction that obnoxious, horny, perverted college students die in a gory, horrendous, bloodbath! It was amazing.

Piranha was full of half naked girls with big boobs, drugs, alcohol, and blood.

I mean, the movie poster says, “Sea, Sex, and Blood”. That wasn’t a lie.

I appreciated that Piranha knew what it was and didn’t try to be anything else. It was a stupid, stupid, movie with hot people dying…what more could you possibly want from this movie?

A classic scene just to give you a taste of the movie’s mood: The main guy in charge of the Girls Gone Wild girls got half eaten by a swarm of Piranha. He gets dragged out of the water while yelling, “My penis! They took my penis!”

We then see his penis floating around in the water and then it gets eaten by a fish…seriously…I’m not joking.

The entire theater (all 7 of us) thoroughly enjoyed watching Piranha. The theater erupted into many laughs and loud clapping numerous times but these times occurred when people died slow torturous deaths.

You should have heard the roars of laughter during the main massacre and at the ending credits. We were all excited. It was a good ole’ time.

I totally recommend seeing Piranha with tons of friends! You will be disappointed but in the best, most humorous way possible.

Diary of the Dead

Posted in Sucked at Life on August 16, 2010 by moviesaccordingtodes

Release Date: January 18th 2008

Plot Outline: While filming a horror movie, a group of film students run into real life zombies.

I was really excited to see Diary of the Dead because I love zombie movies. I couldn’t wait! Especially because of all the fantastic things I heard about it. Many of my friends loved it.

I finally got a chance to see it and wow…what a let down! It was extremely disappointing. I jumped one or two times just because something popping up that was unexpected.

Nothing in this film was able to make up for the horrible acting…beyond horrible acting. Not to mention the terrible graphics. The random blood and gore spurts were so fake looking. They made me laugh at their stupidity, not cringe as they are supposed to.

This may be the most disappointing zombie movie I have seen aside from The Zombie Diaries.

I really don’t understand why so many people liked it. Maybe it’s just me…

Elephant

Posted in Sucked at Life on July 6, 2010 by moviesaccordingtodes

Release Date: October 3rd 2003
Plot Outline: We follow several students through their daily lives while two of them are planning a shooting.

Elephant was sooooooooooo boring! The description on imdb.com says Elephant follows 6 characters in their daily lives and don’t we ever. The description didn’t lie. All we see is these 6 chosen characters walking and their pointless mumblings to people they pass by. Nothing even remotely interesting happens for 20 minutes and the interesting part lasts roughly one second, maybe less. But it is just enough to keep some sort of tiny interest.

Elephant didn’t develop any characters at all. We didn’t get into their lives or thoughts or friends, we could barely even hear them speak. We follow them through the movie but we have no idea who they are. These 6 are complete strangers to us. None of them are memorable in the slightest.

Elephant was the most unemotional school shooting movie ever. The acting was terrible there was no emotion or any sense of panic during a very emotional and appropriate time to panic. I didn’t care about this movie at all which is hard to say about a movie dealing with a school shooting.

Miss March

Posted in Sucked at Life on July 6, 2010 by moviesaccordingtodes

Release Date: March 13th 2009

Plot Outline: After waking from a coma, an extreme celibate-anti-sex before marriage teen wakes up to discover his once celibate girlfriend is now a playboy model.

This was just the most ridiculous movie I have ever seen. It was soooooo stupid! It tried so hard to be funny in perverted ways but it just came off as gross and super unintelligent.

I didn’t think this movie could get worse than it already was but the acting made this difficult task very possible.

I couldn’t deal with watching this ridiculous excuse for a movie and just turned it off.

Stay far far away from this pathetic American Pie wannabe.

G-Force

Posted in Sucked at Life on June 18, 2010 by moviesaccordingtodes

Date Released: July 24th 2009

Plot Outline: A squad of guinea pigs tries to stop a man from taking over the world.

G-Force was interesting in the way it was presented. It wasn’t really like any other kids movie I have seen. But, in this case that wasn’t a good thing.

This was a very modern childrens movie. There were a lot of computers in the movie and the world “download” was stated multiple times. G-Force mentioned global extinction, facebook, it contained a lot of current cultural humor, and popular songs on today’s radio were played throughout the movie.

I am curious to know what age range this movie is aimed for. I felt it was an extensive plot for small children and there was a lot of flirting between the characters throughout the movie. But I’m not sure that ten-twelve year old kids are interested in a movie about guinea pigs. If it was aimed for small children I think it was definitely inappropriate.

G-Force was definitely too long. It was interesting and was full of good actors (people and voices) but I just didn’t like it. It didn’t do it for me. Something about it bothered me. Maybe it was that I didn’t feel it was good for children. I think it was stuck between appealing to children and appealing to adults taking their children to the movies and just couldn’t find its place.

Coraline

Posted in Sucked at Life on May 4, 2010 by moviesaccordingtodes

Release Date: February 6th 2009

Plot Outline: A little girl finds a doorway that leads her to another dimension, a more exciting life than her own. But it isn’t as wonderful as it appears to be.

I was very excited to see Coraline. It looked like a fantastical kids movie. One I have been longing to see since The Nightmare Before Christmas.

I’ll just get right into it and say, I was very disappointed. First off, is this even supposed to be viewed by children? I can see how it would be creepy for a child to watch and besides that, Coraline isn’t a very good role model. She is a very unpleasant child, not nice at all. She is always nasty to friends and her parents, and she always has some sort of attitude. It is obvious that she gets her bad behavior from her parents. They don’t seem to be the most adoring of parents. They never have any time for her and they sadly have no shame in letting her know that.
Along with all of her other negative behavior, Coraline has bad manners. She merely throws things on the floor when she is through with them and is quite demanding with her parents.

I wasn’t a fan of Coraline, the character or the movie. Aside from all of the negative character flaws, the film was slow moving and dull. Children would be attracted by all of the colors and graphics but there isn’t much excitement. Though the plot is original and interesting, it wasn’t successfully carried out or developed.

This is a kids movie you should skip, for the adults and for the children.

Paper Heart

Posted in Sucked at Life on April 23, 2010 by moviesaccordingtodes

Date Realeased: January 2009

Plot Outline: Charlyne Yi doesn’t believe in love. She decides to make a documentary about it.
One would think that a documentary about love, something so complex and intriguing would be absolutely fascinating. When it comes to Paper Heart, one would be wrong.

First of all, Charlyne Yi is not good in front of the camera and I was less than impressed by her interview skills. When there was an interview, that is. There definitely weren’t enough interviews and when they did occur they didn’t seem to be all that organized or in depth or intelligent. I felt like Yi never knew what to say. She doesn’t seem like a personable person so that may be why.

One thing I did think was a good idea was that Yi interviewed many different people about their perspectives on love. She interviewed elderly couples that have been together since their teen years, a children’s book author, children, and even bikers at a bar. The one thing I was disappointed in was that she interviewed scientists on the chemical reaction of love, which was an impressive idea, had she done it right. The scientists did not have a big enough part in this. They barely spoke on the subject at all. The most fascinating part of the film was cut short.

I am a Michael Cera fan but after he showed up in the film, it took an entirely different turn. Paper Heart then focused on the relationship between Cera and Yi, which, may or may not have been staged.
Paper Heart reminds me of a reality show. Its “reality” but not really…

The idea was great and this could have been a great film had it been done right and definitely by a different interviewer.

House

Posted in Sucked at Life on April 23, 2010 by moviesaccordingtodes

Date Released: November 7th 2008
Plot Outline: Two couples fight for their lives from The Tin Man while trapped in a house with him.

I was excited to see house because it seemed pretty creepy from the previews. I should have learned by now that scary movies are not all that scary.

House was basically a mixture of House of Wax and any other crappy “terrifying” teen movie you can think of.
The plot did not make sense at all. I don’t know if you can even call it a plot. At first it was set up as a serial killer movie and then out of nowhere there were demons or ghosts, which was baffling to me.

The house or the Tin Man, not quite sure, fed off of the couple’s fears or past experiences. Throughout the film we were present with a few small mysteries that were never explained. I don’t know if the writers forgot to add it in or they just didn’t care to add logic. But I didn’t care enough to be bothered by that.

There was a character, Susan that held a fairly important role. Her reason for being, who she was, or where she came from was never explained.
House wasn’t scary and it didn’t make much sense.
Is there any scary movie with an actual plot out there?

I have been on the search for the scariest movie ever made and have been failing miserably. Though, Paranormal Activity was probably the best I have seen thus far. The Ring scared me to death but I know I am just an idiot and scared myself. The Exorcist is too old school. Didn’t do it for me.

Send me recommendations of what you believe to be a truly successful terrifying film.

Hamlet 2

Posted in Sucked at Life on February 4, 2010 by moviesaccordingtodes

Release Date: August 27, 2008

Plot Outline: An eccentric drama teacher creates the sequel to Shakespeare’s Hamlet

Just awful. It was ridiculous! You can tell what it’s goals were. It was trying way too hard to make ridiculous phrases catchy. And it tried too hard to be the unique offbeat film of the year. Offbeat, it was not. It was ridiculous. I felt like I was dumbing down by watching this. I might have giggled once because someone got hit in the head or something. It was a sad attempt to be an offbeat, unique hit.

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